Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts…And Worse: The Destructive Power of Simple Speech

Author: Azriel Winnett

Out of the blue, slap bang in the middle of a working day, an unexplained sensation inside your mouth breaks your
concentration.

You have deadlines to meet, and you react merely by immersing yourself with new determination in the task in hand.

At least until the next day, when the mild discomfort has progressed to a stabbing pain.

Any wishful thinking that the fate of the whole world depends on your finishing your work is
now irrelevant. When you reach the dentist, he shakes his head sympathetically and jabs a needle right into your gums.

Wonderful thing, these anesthetics. The ache is gone even before he lays a finger on that troublesome tooth!

Now, let’s imagine you were created with a kind of natural anesthetic, that washed your mouth continuously so that you never got toothache. Good? Probably not. You’d never know when a tooth needed attention, until it would be far too late.

Horrified and sickened..

Problem is, this isn’t as far fetched as it may seem. You see, you get anesthetics for the body, and other anesthetics for the mind.

A former teacher, John Andrew Murray, wrote in Teachers in Focus magazine about his
experiences with an English class at a private American school.

In order to spice his lessons, Murray was using the old television series, “Alfred Hitchcock Presents” each week to teach his students about plot development.

After a few weeks, he decided to stop the show before the end and let the students write their own endings. The students liked the ideas so much that they wanted to read their work aloud in class.

After about the third student, he put a stop to the reading aloud. What the teacher had heard horrified and sickened him.

When he later discussed with them the very explicit imagery of violence he had found in their papers, Murray’s students were quick to insist that media violence didn’t affect them because the graphic scenes they saw on TV and films were “fake”. Murray then asked them how they would feel if they saw a dog on TV getting riddled with bullets.

“How horrible!” they cried out in unison.

Murray concludes that unlike the human carnage they
regularly witnessed on TV, his students had found animal deaths appalling because they had seldom seen it. For the
first time, they realized how desensitized they had become to violence.

Sad, isn’t it?

The truth is, with most human beings the desensitization process goes even further. Much further. Sometimes, it’s good. ( We eventually “get over” a loss, or forget a traumatic episode.) More often, it’s anything but good.

Remarkable human talent

Take the remarkable human talent for hurting others by what we say.

At times, it’s deliberate; we WANT to inflict verbal pain on our friends - whether we admit it or not. (Often, this is to compensate ourselves for imagined feelings of inferiority). At other times, we don’t intend to offend, but do so nonetheless.

It’s the art of anesthesia again. We’ve become desensitized.

A seemingly innocuous example. A friend may have a spouse,
child, or parent who’s critically ill. We unwittingly reassure her: “Don’t worry, everything will be fine.”

She’s not comforted. Just the reverse. She knows everything won’t be fine.

For that matter, why tell a friend who bought herself a new dress last week, even if she asks for your opinion, that it looks
terrible on her? (I’m assuming it’s already too late for her to do anything about it; if she can, that might be different, provided you tell her the right way!)

I won’t even talk here of purposeful innuendos, backhanded
compliments, slurs and insults. At all times, people who really want to spread love in the world should take extra care with their speech.

Do you remember the schoolyard chant: “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me!

Utter tripe!

OK, words may be rarely able to break bones, but they can break our hearts, our spirits, even our reputations.

And yes, our ability to develop and maintain meaningful
relationships.

Azriel Winnett is creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene. New articles added almost daily.

Maybe Not Bones, But Hearts…And Worse: The Destructive Power of Simple Speech, Relationships, Relationships articles, Relationships information, about Relationships, what is Relationships, Relationships Information

Author: Yvette Dubel

“The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear.”
Herbert Agar

It may not be exactly what you want to hear, but I think this is especially true when it comes to relationships. The more emotional the situation the more truth there seems to be in that quote.

Are you wondering just what this has to do with small business resources or more importantly you?

I am a small business advocate that encourages its use as a platform for learning the lessons of responsibility, the best part of ambition…I want everyone to know what it feels like to dedicate each day to giving expression and focus to your passion!

I encourage those of you crying because some person didn’t love you as much as you wanted to pay special attention. If you know someone in that boat, send them a link to this article.

There is an element of “you are alone” that we must all confront and accept as a part of life, instead of constantly seeking validation of that reality’s denial. I’ll share with you what my mother told me, “People are the hands and feet of God. We are here to do God’s work here on Earth.”

My mother’s words helped me to find meaning and value in my life at an early age. It put to rest any fears I had of loneliness. It gave me a foundation of self respect on which to build my adulthood.

No one else can enter your pain with you, nor can they fully enter your joy. Those are internal experiences. Not even the most ideal partnership can spare you from that reality.

Discovering the person you love is not who you thought can feel like a kick has landed in your chest. Among the unfortuate side effects are loss of appetite, insomnia, constant weeping, etc.

But what do you do when you’re tired of crying because it feels like your eyes will pop out? Or when you’re just sick of feeling sorry for yourself. No amount of crying will change what has happened.

How long it takes for you to feel better depends totally on you. When will you make up your mind to get on with living successfully?

Hopefully you’ll know where to turn when you’ve had enough of thinking in circles and getting nowhere. Start by reading product reviews, strategic development materials, and mapping out the plan for your success based on relationship valuation.

What do you do next? You build your business. Those restless moments when you want desperately to call and beg him to come back are better used if applied to a productive aspect of building your enterprise.

Can’t sleep? Then get to work on your business or marketing strategic plan.

Why? Because you have to begin taking actions that empower and validate you …the life you create for yourself. Focusing on your business (entrepreneurship) is a way to begin working and focusing on your future, independent of self defeating relationships. You can begin to cultivate and integrate the skills associated with relationship valuation and effective management easily and naturally. Just have the courage to take the first step.

This approach to your recovery has many long term benefits. Chief among them, it helps you become oriented with the concepts of relationship valuation that will enhance all of your future relationships, professional and personal. You only have to commit to one step at a time.

With diligent conscious guidance and attention this can be an exercise in breaking old relationship patterns by creating a better relationship with yourself. Building your business is an investment in your future at the most fundamental level. Attention to your material well being is a basic expression of self love when you intend it to be so.

This is why entrepreneurship works as an effective intervention. The pay off is obvious. Your business success is the key to affording the financial freedom and lifestyle you envision. Stop postponing your good until someone else shows up. You’re already here and I know just where you can get started.

Yvette Dubel is the founder of http://www.enhancementconsulting.net/simpleplan.html and creator of Simple Plan System© featuring Clarity Relationship Valuation software. Dubel also has over ten years experience as a consultant and personal coach. Request information about online events by email (events-survey@freeautobot.com)and introduce yourself at http://www.getphpbb.com/phpbb/viewforum.php?f=2&mforum=enhancementcons

Auhtor: Annie Kaszina

All too often you fall in love with someone out of a place of need: you may need someone to complete you because as you are, you don’t feel good enough. Still, the love that you feel for that other person may well be utterly genuine, even if its origins lie in your own inadequacies.

But somewhere along the line you believe that that love - which is your investment in the other person - should pay dividends. In a bad relationship, there may well not be the desired dividends.

Because there is so much hype and - dare I say it? - self-indulgence, magically sanctioned by the ‘lurv’ word, it’s easy to confuse the issues.

It is quite possible to love the hurt child who hides in the depths of an abusive partner, or the needy child who drives the behaviour of the sex addict, or the suffering child cowering in the depths of any number of other damaged (and damaging) human beings.

But do you really want to bind your life to theirs? Is expecting profoundly damaged human beings to contribute to your happiness reasonable? And is it a good idea to dismiss the voice of reason?

You have the choice whether you want to respond to people with love and compassion in the moment… and pass on; or whether you want to make a crusade of the relationship. When you embark on a crusade, a rescue mission or shoring up your own sense of self through another person, you invest your self-worth misguidedly. Then your investment, or more correctly, your gamble, will be in vain, as a general rule. As with any other investment, you can get it wrong - in which case the sensible thing is to get out as fast and painlessly as you can.

A lot of people, at some point in their life, will throw good love after bad. Just the same as people do with money. It’s a strategy that is unlikely to produce the desired results, in either case. Still loving has to be better than not loving. Refusing to love, or closing down to love, numbs the very soul.

And just as there are various lanes to the wealth highway, so there are several lanes to love. There is the love you have for your partner. There are also the family, friends and people you meet in specific contexts with whom, however briefly, you can have a loving - that is to say, caring, empathic, disinterested - relationship. That kind of relationship, surely, never is in vain.

Finally, there is Lucille Ball’s comment, which deserves to become mantra: ‘Love yourself first and everything else falls into line.’ Now that kind of love is surely never in vain.

Annie Kaszina

Joyful Coaching

An NLP Practitioner and Women’s Empowerment Coach, Annie specialises in helping women heal relationship pain and attract the relationships they want. To order Annie’s eBook ‘The Woman You Want To Be, or subscribe to her twice monthly ezine go to: http://www.joyfulcoaching.com or email: annie@joyfulcoaching.com

Author: Azriel Winnett

What is empathy? Many people confuse empathy with sympathy, but empathy is
really much more.

My dictionary defines it as “the quality or process of entering fully, through
imagination, into another’s feelings or motives.” In the fullest sense, it implies putting
yourself into the other person’s shoes, or even getting into his or her skin, so that you
really understand and feel his pain, fear - or more positively - his joys.

The opposite of empathy - in communication terms - is invalidation. This is what happens when you express a feeling or idea and the person you are speaking to contradicts or rejects it. And when the emotion happens to be anxiety, sorrow, fear or the like, the rejection can be very painful.

Interestingly, the pain of rejection can be even more profound when the other party bears no ill will towards you. Indeed, the person you have confided in may sincerely believe she is offering you encouragement. But she fails miserably, because there is no empathy.

We have seen in previous articles how devastated children feel when they are on the
receiving end of such treatment. But, of course, it’s not only children who feel this kind of trauma.

One writer on the subject, Miriam Adahan, in her book It’s All a Gift, relates how a
friend’s eight-month old baby was undergoing treatment for cancer. Mrs. Adahan sat with her for hours,hearing one visitor after another say, “Don’t worry. He’s going to be just fine.”

When they were finally alone, her friend looked at her through tearful eyes and said:

Almost like suffocation…

“Don’t they know how much their optimism hurts me? Don’t they realize that they aren’t letting me talk about what’s most on my mind - that he may not get better? It’s like someone putting a hand over my mouth and suffocating me. I have to lie and smile and say over and over, ‘Of course, everything’s going to be fine,’ which only makes me feel worse. Why can’t these people stop with their optimistic drivel and just listen a little?”

Among other examples of this kind of phenomenon that this author tells over, is the story of a young mother who confided to an older woman how she felt trapped in her house all day long.

“I’m so depressed!” she confessed. “I resent my children and snap at them when they make demands. I think about death all the time.”

Nonsense,” retorted the older woman, “these are the best years of your life!” What’s
wrong with you? Don’t you appreciate how wonderful it is to have healthy children? You’re ungrateful, selfish and spoiled.”

The young woman fled the home in tears.

Although there are some folk who take pleasure in being deliberately abusive, most people don’t mean to be cruel when they give pat answers. What they lack is communication skills. They don’t realize that by minimizing people’s pain, they maximize it.

When you respond to your friend’s outburst of anxiety or sorrow with: “You’ll feel better tomorrow,” or: “Don’t worry, time heals!” you may be giving him the message: “There’s something very wrong with you for complaining when there’s nothing to complain about.”

The well-meaning advice: “Just take a hot bath and you’ll perk up!” could be interpreted to mean: “You should have been able to figure out the solution for yourself,” or: “Other people seem to manage in these situations.”

Now, I’ll tell you a fascinating true story - that, on first glance, seems to contradict
just about everything I’ve implied up to now.

A certain rabbi, a prominent judge of a Jewish religious court, once suffered a sudden heart attack in the middle of a litigation.

When he arrived at the emergency ward, a doctor, who knew and respected the new patient, examined him. The anxious judge asked the doctor about his condition.

“Nothing to worry about at all” answered the doctor. “You are just overworked. You have to rest up.”

At the end of the somewhat protracted examination, the staff brought in a stretcher along with some very ominous looking medical apparatus. The judge was hooked up to equipment to which all sorts of tubes were attached. The attendants pushed him briskly down a long corridor and straight through a doorway above which hung a bold sign: “Strictly No Entry - Intensive Care Ward.”

Nobody’s fool…

This rabbinical judge, of course, was nobody’s fool. His vocation involved critically
analyzing situations every day and ferreting out the truth. When the doctor came over to him again, his learned patient asked him pointblank: “Why did you deceive me?”

“You really aren’t very sick,” answered the doctor, surprisingly. “But I am confronted
with hundreds of ethical questions every day, and I have no one to ask. I thought it would be nice to have you near me for a while, so you can answer my questions!

“And why are all these fancy machines attached to me?” asked the rabbi very
skeptically.

“Do you need to have a nurse run over to you every minute? This way, she can see
everything from her desk. And anyway, what difference does it make to you?”

The judge was in hospital for three weeks, but he responded well to treatment. After his discharge, he recounted his experiences to his friends and colleagues:

“The doctor continuously and consistently lied to me,” he told them. “But his lies cured me more than all the medicine they gave me.”

Why is this episode so different from the ones described above, where evasion of the
truth made the sufferers feel worse?

Have we really grasped what empathy really means?

I will not comment further.

What do YOU think?

Azriel Winnett is the creator of Hodu.com - Your Communication Skills Portal. This popular free website helps you improve your communication and relationship skills in your business or professional life, in the family unit and on the social scene.

Author: Timothy Winters

Okay, who are we kidding. Long-distance relationships are not supposed to be
easy, because then everyone would be involved in them. However, if we can manage to keep some things in mind and change our mind set just a bit, we can see that making long-distance work is not that bad…not only that, but also that it just might be a little bit of (honest) fun.

What most people think about when they hear about long-distance elationships is failure. Some type of failure. Failure to communicate, failure to stay interested, failure to keep one’s hands off of another man or woman. But it isn’t so. What long-distance is really about is success… succeeding in sacrificing for a special person, succeeding in doing what most people are unable to do: make love work at a
distance.

First, however, we have to get one thing straight. In order for a
long-distance relationship to work, BOTH parties must be very and equally interested in
making this work in the first place. I’ve made long-distance work but only when she was as interested as I am. If you sense any doubt or have any reason to be skeptical about the other person’s commitment, then the harsh reality is that it might not workout. However, if you have both talked and are sure you want to go along, we here at thecollegeguys.com can help you make it happen.

Communication

Being able to send messages to your significant other is crucial but not always so simple. If this is going to work, you’re going to have to do whatever it takes to communicate everything you need to to your special somebody. Try to make it easy on yourself by getting friendly phone plans (free mobile-to-mobile perhaps) and achieve an online presence (online messenger with 30 dollar web cam). Write letters, emails, text messages…mix it up over time and talk about what’s going on, how you feel and other positive things. Never focus on the distance or time, ever.
That will promote undesirable sentiment towards your situation. Also try to talk every so
often about your situation. If you to are willing to see other people but stay close, make
sure its mutual. DO NOT have close relations with another if your partner only cares about you. This is considered cheating.

Equal Situation

One of the worst things that can happen is for one person in the relationship to be incredibly busy while the other is incredibly bored. This is just asking for trouble. Instead, what is ideal is for both members of this union to share more or less the same kind of schedule. If you’re living at home like a bum it might be hard to make this work if your girlfriend is working to be a doctor at Yale. Interests will change sharply and time will become a factor…what will keep  you interested when she has to study for hours tonight and tomorrow, for instance? Instead, if you’re both bums or both studying to save the world, chances for this to work will be higher.

Keep it interesting

Try different things. Save money (key word:sacrifice) so that you can visit him/her or s/he can visit you. Play around with phone sex.
Play games. Get creative. Remember, if you’re really serious, it behooves you to be able to keep each other interested in a variety of ways. Expensive gifts and/or sexuality shouldn’t be the only things keeping you together.

Benefits

The benefits to long-distance dating are several. For one, you will not feel suffocated by your partner. You’ll have more time for yourself and for other things that you consider important and wouldn’t have time for otherwise. Also, you will appreciate the time you two DO have together, resulting in meaningful, quality time that other couples will envy.

Just do it

Now there will be a lot of negativity around: people who snicker at you, tell you you’re missing out or crazy…forget that. Just keep doing what you’re doing. If the person is worth it, you will have the last laugh. Everyone wants others to fail to make themselves feel better, so succeed at this and you can rub it in later. Once you two make the decision to go along with this, NOTHING should hold you back except for the interest for and of each other. You’ll have room to do what you need to, and you know that no matter how far, there’s always somone there for you.

Timothy Winters is a writer who specializes in interpersonal relations. He has written several articles concerning relationships,
dating, friendship and other related topics for http://www.thecollegeguys.com

Author: Karen Klassen

What does real love look like? The way we act towards other people is a true expression of how much we love.

The Indian Jesuit Anthony de Mello tells this story: The student asks the Master, ‘What

is love?’

‘The total absence of fear,’ the Master replies.

‘What is it that we fear?’ the student asks.

‘Love,’ says the Master.

We first must be clear in our own mind and understand that building a solid relationship foundation requires the following qualities that express love.

Love is Loyalty.

If you are in love it means you look to no other person to meet your desires. It means you have no longing for another. Loyalty means you are faithful and devoted to the one you are with in every way. The moment you find yourself desiring another or taking long looks and fantasying, you are no longer in love with your partner and this ust be addressed before your desires turn into action.

Loyalty means saying no to all temptation that might hinder your present bond of love. While you are in relationship you must respect the moment and open yourself up to your partner’s potential as long as you are together. This does not mean you must be with someone the rest of your life. If a relationship threatens or harms you in anyway it is definitely time to move on. Loyalty is also about being loyal to your own values and respecting your partner’s values.

Love is Trust.

Do you have difficulties trusting others?

Trust issues are based in fear. Every relationship we are involved in allows us to work on trust. This means communicating with a sense of honour and integrity. If you avoid your issues associated with trust it will continue to resurface until you acknowledge it and begin to clear negative belief patterns associated to your past. Trust in any relationship begins with how you feel about yourself. Do you trust yourself?

Love is Respect.

The quality of respect will always lift a relationship up. Loving relationships involve a deep level of respect for yourself and your partner. The best way to respect your relationship is to never speak negatively about your partner. Some people get caught up in trashing their mate not realizing the consequences of their actions. Most people do not realize that the more they talk negatively about their spouse or partner to others it only creates destructive energy in the relationship. What happens is your family member or friends now hold a negative image of your partner in their mind long after the issue has been resolved. If you need to discuss your relationship concerns respect each other by seeking professional help.

Love is Appreciation.

The true act of giving flows from the art of appreciation. Women tend to give more in a relationship than men. Thankfully, that is now changing. Men are ready to appreciate the feminine and honour the wisdom of women. Women are ready to appreciate the gentleness that comes from the strength of a real man. The secret every man should know is that if they give to their companion in a loving way which shows appreciation, they will receive love ten fold. For example, if a man acknowledges his partner in a meaningful way and goes out of his way to help around the house, their partner is more likely to connect sexually. Appreciating your partner, you transform loveless sex into passionate love encounters.

Stephanie Dowrick author of The Universal Heart writes, we function most healthy when we feel valued by others and value ourselves. This supports the development of loving and respectful relationships.

Love is Integrity.

Are you afraid of admitting the truth of how you feel? What do you perceive happening to you if you do? Learning to stand in our own vulnerable takes courage and brings incredible strength to a relationship. Learn to be up front with how you feel such as, I am feeling vulnerable right now or I am feeling stressed about work and I just need some time to change my thoughts. When we can communicate honestly with our partner we open the door for understanding.

Bring the gift of integrity into your relationship by being real with where you are in your own mind without blaming anyone for your experience.

In changing our ways of being we give more room for love to blossom. The choices we make strongly impact our lives and the lives of those around us. Knowing what true love looks like, we can then opt to strengthen these qualities in our own lives instead of reacting in fear.

If we have a deep desire to experience more in our relationships we must breathe in the word change. People who are less adaptable to change allow for stagnation to set in which can lead to boredom. Acknowledging where we are at and taking the steps to change our behaviors we begin to create the life we long for. Instead of fearing change embrace change. We live in a fluid world forever moving, evolving and expressing in new ways. It means we will not be the same person we are today. It means we must allow ourselves to expand and evolve our heart and mind.

You may have been motivated by phantom fear in the past but now you can make a choice, a choice to renew your life, your relationship and begin again. With a strong foundation you can lift your relationship up into the vibration of love where loyalty, trust, respect, integrity and appreciation are valued and communicated. Creating a solid foundation based in love we must demonstrate our good intentions with loving action. Are you ready to make changes for the sake of love?

Karen Klassen is owner of Imagine Seminars & Consulting company based in Calgary, Alberta Canada. She is a Personal Life and Relationship Coach and facilitator of The Loving Relationship Workshop and Women Reclaiming Their Power Workshop. For more

information view
http://www.imagineseminars.ca or email: info@imagineseminars.ca

Author: Marie Magdala Roker

Create Time To Share And Time On Your Own.

Establish time to spend together and time for yourself. Although you need the time together to nurture your relationship, it is important to have a good balance. You are not the Mini-Me of each other. You each have your own values, interests and needs. Make sure your couple time is about quality, not quantity. Set up boundaries so the family and friends know that this is your sacred time. Now, it’s time to shift focus on you. Having shared perspectives and similar interests does not mean that you have to participate in all activities together. Creating personal time for yourself is important for your personal growth. However, don’t use personal space as an excuse to not make time for each other. It is imperative that you articulate to each other the need for this time, so that no one feels neglected.

Be Patient with Each Other.

No one is perfect. It is important that you accept and love each other, quirks and all. Your relationship is a shared territory. It requires love, work and patience There is a learning curve in relationships and for some the learning never stop. There is a difference in how the two of you relate, interact and live. You come to realize each others’ strengths and weaknesses. View each other’s abilities and personality as a gift. Be more flexible in your viewpoints. Work on win/win methods, so that no one has to lose. It’s more important to understand and value each other’s viewpoint, rather than trying to agree or disagree with it.

Respect Each Other

Respect each other’s values. Respect each other’s time. Respect each other’s space. Respect each other’s privacy. Respect each other’s weaknesses. Respect each other’s point of view. Respect each other’s faith. Respect each other’s friends and family. Respect each other’s job or career. Respect each other’s culture. Respect each other’s sense of humor. Respect each other’s character. Respect each other’s choices. Respect each other’s belongings. Respect each other through love.

Highlight What’s Right

Highlighting what’s right builds up, rather than tears down. Constant criticism diminishes self-esteem. This is why verbal and emotional abuse can be so damaging. No one wants to start or end their day with a laundry list of complaints. Take time to appreciate what’s going right in the relationship. Make it a habit of complimenting each other on something besides physical appearance. Build up each other’s confidence .Point out noteworthy or small tokens of appreciation. Take the time to show gratitude. When people feel good, they want to share that feeling with others.

Listen

If we spoke less and listened more, it would eliminate many of our communication problems. However, humans are conditioned to listen with the intent to respond. When was the last time you listened attentively to your significant other? Do you listen and then try to solve a problem? Do you listen and then offer advice? Do you listen and then criticize or belittle? Do you listen and then self-reference? When you listen, it builds trust. Your significant other feels understood and will share more with you over time. The next time you see your significant other in a contemplative state, tell them you’re available to listen. .

Let Go Of Emotional Baggage

It’s time to unpack your emotional baggage. You can not undo the past. Bringing past pain into a present relationship is like mixing dirty clothes with laundered clothes. The old emotions need to be resolved before you can be yourself in your current relationship. Emotional baggage contributes to insecurities, poor judgment, cynicism and indecisiveness. Trying to protect your feelings will hinder your freedom and growth. Think about why you continue to allow yourself to suffer with this pain? Is there someone you need to forgive? Are you carrying around resentment and guilt? Talk about the situation with your significant other, so they can have a better understanding of what you are going through. If the pain is too unbearable, seek professional help together or alone.

Marie Magdala Roker is a Personal Development Coach an Author of Successful Thinking for a Successful Life: How to Banish the Unhealthy Thoughts and Habits That Limit Your Success. Her Successful Thinking? program is an affordable coaching resource that offers support and encouragement when there are roadblocks to success. You can find out more about the program at http://www.thinkandbesuccessful.com or sign up for her free Be Inspired newsletter at http://www.smartbeecoaching.com

Author: Douglas Woods

In my relationship work, this question is probably the one I hear most often. It is not an easy question to answer. The usual glib answer; "because they can", is really not good enough. People, particularly women, want to know the reason why men cheat, or more particularly, why their man cheated.

Different women have a different view as to what constitutes ‘cheating’. For some women, for the man simply to look at another woman may be regarded as cheating, for other women it is being intimate with another person that constitutes ‘cheating, and there are some women who appear able to accept flirting and even intimacy with another person but it is an emotional involvement that constitutes ‘cheating’.

So let us try first to establish what is ‘cheating’ and what might be considered ‘normal’ behaviour in a man. First of all, there needs to be some degree of commitment and exclusivity between the two partners, furthermore, this commitment needs to be understood and agreed by both people. Without this there can be little question of ‘cheating’ on behalf of either party.

Obviously, marriage, engagement, living together would constitute a degree of commitment. Regularly dating for a period, may also be seen as constituting a commitment. It is here that the confusion starts to arise for a man may not feel he is committed to another person until he has said so to her, for the woman the simple fact that he dates her regularly may be seen as a sign of commitment.

It is where there is a disagreement as to the level of commitment involved, that most problems occur. The man may feel he is free to see another person without it being considered ‘cheating’ but the woman (his first partner) would be more likely to consider it cheating.

Also, there is a degree to which a man separates the physical act of lovemaking from the emotional attachment to another person. A man is able to perform the physical act without becoming emotionally attached to the woman. A man may often cite that a fling or an affair was ‘purely physical’ and that it does not mean that he is not now physically and emotionally attracted to his first partner. For a man, this is often true and is not simply an excuse. However, the woman is likely to view the situation differently.

Very often, a woman who suspects her man of cheating wants some evidence or proof of it. This is often to satisfy and corroborate her belief. However, the woman often has not thought through what she would do if the evidence became proof of her man’s infidelity.

For the woman, proof of her man’s cheating brings emotional hurt and anger. It will often also bring about feelings of distress, loss of self esteem and a feeling that she was to blame. This creates a dilemma for the woman; should she try to repair the relationship out of belief that somehow she has been to blame for his infidelity or should she end the relationship acting out of anger or emotional distress?

The emotional consequences of a man’s cheating are not usually apparent to the man, certainly not prior to his act of cheating. It is only afterwards that a man may have some feelings of guilt. However, if he is not found out, then these may subside and the man comes to believe that he can get away with the cheating. Even so, if he tries to continue and to get away with his cheating, he still knows that at some point he is likely to be found out. At this point, it can become a contest, how far can he go without being found out?

To some men, having many partners is seen as a symbol of their status. Even when in a committed relationship, they may think they have a need to boost their status, esteem or ego by cheating. The loss of love, affection and support as a result of a simple thrill, does not occur to them until too late.

In their hearts and minds, men know that cheating is wrong, yet often their egos, their physical needs and, quite simply, the temptations overrule their hearts and minds.

So has this article answered the thorny question of why men cheat? Probably not. This is a complex issue and the causes or reasons will vary from instance to instance. No one can tell you unequivocally why your man may have cheated, not even your man himself.

In such circumstances what you, the two of you, have to decide is whether you want to repair the relationship or end it.

Douglas Woods is a qualified life coach, teacher and counsellor. You can read more about his work at http://www.dougwoods.com. He is also a contributor to Singlescene.net a website for single people.

Author: Monica M. Burns

Why He May Be Cheating On You

There could be all sorts of reasons known only to your man, but
there are also those reasons in which women may contribute to, such as: You Let Yourself Go, You Lost Yourself In Him, or You Have No Ambition along with many others. Sometimes women live for their men. They spend all their waking time taking care of them, and at the end of the day, they still haven’t accomplished anything for themselves.

You are thinking all alone that this is what he wants in a woman, when all along, he wants the complete opposite. Women get caught up too often trying to be the woman that they think their men want. He wants you to be you. After all, the woman you were when you two met, is who he wants you to be. Never pretend to be something you’re not, because you’ll have to keep up this charade for the remainder of the relationship. That’s hard to keep up. You start to get relaxed and too comfortable in the relationship and that’s when the "real you" starts to gradually come out. Be yourself in the beginning and eliminate the future problems of him going out and maybe cheating on you because you’ve changed.

Women also essentially end up resenting their men, because they have put their goals and dreams aside. The women make their choices, but somewhere in between, they become unhappy with the choices they have made. They start acting depressed, miserable, and sad all the time, because they are not happy. This is when he starts to get tired of looking at you miserable everyday. He starts seeing a woman who makes him laugh again, who he starts to have fun with and where does this leave you? Still at home miserable thinking that he is feeling sorry for you. He is. He is feeling sorry that he has to tell you that it’s over.

So, in the initial beginning of the relationship, both parties
need to be in agreement of what they want and expect from each other.

If you would like to find out more, you may visit my websites at
www.flashbuilder.net/users/monicaburns or www.monicamburns.vstore.ca.

Copyright Monica M. Burns 2005

Monica M. Burns is a writer, expert author, and editor of Monica M. Burns, Inc., and Invasions of The Minds websites; both of which are small web based businesses providing informational self-help products for women. She has contributed to several anthologies and other websites. If you would like to publish any of this author’s articles electronically or in print to your websites, ebooks, newsletters, or ezines, you MUST include this resource box.

Author: Peter Pearson

Everyone has something they’d like to change in their partner. Here is a 7-step process to create a change in your partner. The key to the success of this process is that it makes your partner want to change - instead of feeling coerced.

1. MAKE A LIST of the top three behaviors your partner does that annoy you. For example, leaves messes around house, pouts, doesn’t do their share of household tasks. Then select the one problem that has the best chance of your partner responding to your discomfort. You’ll increase your chances for success dramatically by focusing on one problem at a time. Let’s go for a big one here and say the problem is that your partner is not involved in household chores.

2. DESCRIBE THE PROBLEM in clear detail. This includes what your partner does and your reaction to the problem. For example: "Honey, there is a problem I need to discuss with you. When you come home from work and start reading the mail, change your clothes, or turn on the news without looking around and noticing the kids are cranky, squalling for dinner, and I’m really busy making dinner, I see you as a blind and insensitive clod."

3. DESCRIBE YOUR REACTION to the problem. "When you act so oblivious, I think you care much more about responding to your own needs first and foremost, and you pitch in only when it is convenient for you. I feel angry, alone, and resentful. When I feel that way I end up being chilly to you and withdrawing any affection. I don’t like how I react but that is what I have been doing."

Here is the "formula" for describing the problem.
A) You have specified the behavior of "not being involved in household chores" by giving specific examples.
B) You have given your reaction to it by stating: "when you do (the behavior) I think_____ (you’re inconsiderate…) and feel _____ (angry, alone, resentful), and then I do _____ (withhold affection). It is important to let your partner know what your complete response is to the behavior that is a problem. Especially let them know what you do when you think and feel the way you do. This really informs your partner of the consequence to them when they do the undesired behavior. Include in your reaction the meaning of the problem for you. For example, lack of involvement in household tasks represents not being loved, respected, or valued.

4. BE EMPATHETIC. Tell your partner why you think it would be hard for them to change the undesired behavior. This lets them know you see the problem from both perspectives and that you have an appreciation for what you’re asking them to change. For example, "Honey, I think pitching in when you get home would be difficult because you feel depleted and want some time to yourself in order to regenerate. I think pitching in at the level I want is a lot to ask of you."

5. DESCRIBE HOW YOU WILL HELP. Because you’re not just going to make a request and then hope for the best, the next step is to describe what you will do to help your partner make the change you want. For example, "Honey, your pitching in when you get home is so important to me that I will do _____________ ." (Fill in here what you think will be a high motivator for your partner to make the requested change.)

6. ASK IF THEY ARE WILLING to make the change you’re requesting. Are you willing to get involved in household chores? They may agree to all or part or none of your request. They might say "no" to you but would be more willing to consider the change if you offered a different motivator or inducement to change. Then you can decide if it is worth your efforts.

7. FIND OUT WHY. Regardless of whether they are willing to change or not, ask why. Knowing why they are willing to change will help you understand what motivates them. You’ll be able to encourage them more effectively along the way. If they don’t want to change, finding out why not will help you determine how to move forward. In that case you still have two more options. One, you can ask if this is a temporary or more permanent position. If it seems there will be no change for now, let them know the consequences - how you think, feel and act - and then drop it for now. The second option is to go to the second problem on your list and repeat the sequence described above.

Of course the biggest improvements in a couples’ relationship come when both people change and grow. But there are often things you’d like your partner to change, and this format helps you do it in a way that supports both of you. If you’d like more help, consider attending "Coming from your Heart" at The Couples Institute. Here you will learn lots of practical, innovative strategies for relationship improvement.

For more than 20 years, Peter Pearson, Ph.D. has specialized in helping couples transform their relationships. He and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, are founders and directors of The Couples Institute in Menlo Park, CA. Authors, speakers, and therapists, they have been featured on over 50 radio and television programs including "The Today Show" and "CBS Early Morning News." For information on workshops, visit The Couples Institute.